This Side of the Country

In this serio-comedy scene This Side of the Country, JIM is a salesman set on selling business owner HENRY a new kitchen stove for his restaurant.  2 men.

This Side of the Country

Jim: If you will just give me a second Henry, just one second of your time, I promise you a life changing opportunity.

Henry: How many times have I told you to get lost?  Do I have to call the police?  Scram!

Jim:  Sir, please, I understand your sick of seeing my face but if you will just hear what I have to say, this one final time—

Henry: If I listen to all you babble one last time you will leave me alone forever and ever?

Jim: Sure.

Henry: Damnit, then go ahead then. (looking at his watch) You have no more than five full minutes starting now.

Jim: Okay, great, okay…whew, no pressure.  Haha.  Okay.  Henry, do you like shiny new toys?

Henry: No.

Jim: Right.  Name one thing that you love and it has to be materialistic.

Henry: I’m not into materialistic things.

Jim: Car?

Henry: Nope.

Jim: Your couch?

Henry: Damn thing still kinks my back each Saturday and Sunday.  No!

Jim:…your lawnmower…it’s your lawnmower, isn’t it?  What kind of lawnmower do you have Henry?

Henry: The kind you sit in.

Jim: I bet cruising around in your lawnmower is your only escape from this thing called life.  I bet listening to the motor, having the breeze run across your face, no wife, no kids, now work, no nothing…just you, man and nature…the most satisfying time a man can have with one hand on the wheel and the other on your beer, listening in to the good old golden oldies of rock and roll.

(checking his watch)

Henry: Two minutes.

Jim: Oh to hell with it.  Look, Mr. Walcott, I can’t sell you.  I must be the worst salesman this side of the country.  Hell, maybe the whole damn country if you really want to look at my batting average.  I haven’t made a sale in one full year..been living off of peanuts and scraps just to take care of my family but I keep pushing ahead, keep believing that somehow I’ll make the big score.  But I know there’s no big score…there’s just you and me and about thirty seconds on my clock before you tell me to get lost.

(checking his watch)

Henry: Twenty Two seconds until I tell you to buzz off.

Jim: Henry…give me the chance.  It’s pennies to you and a world of difference to me.  I know I may sound like I’m asking for a lot but you will change my life and there’s so much good I wish to do.  Please, sir, just give me this chance and buy my product because if you do I am certain that it will make your life just as good as you can make mine.

Henry: Time’s up.

Jim: That’s all I got.

Henry: No sale.  Now off my property and be gone.  Don’t ever let me see your lousy face again or next time I will phone the police and call Judge Wylan?

Jim: Yeah, I know all about Judge Wylan…

Henry: Wait a minute…how you know Judge Wylan?

Jim: He’s my uncle, my wife’s uncle technically.  I’ll head off…thanks for your time.

Henry: Now hold on…this ah, this uncle of yours…you know him well?

Jim: We were just over his house for dinner this past Sunday.  Cooks a mean steak I might add.

Henry: Really?

Jim: Thank you for your time, Mr. Walcott.

Henry: Now hold on, son.  I’ll tell you what.  Bring that machinery round back so I can have another look at it.  If it does what you say it can do, well, I may be inclined to purchase one or two, maybe even three of them off of you.

Jim: Is this a joke?  So you can gather all your workers and give me the boot and have a hoot and a laugh at my expense?  No thanks.

Henry: Son.  Bring me those damn stoves.  I’m serious about buying them.

Jim: Why? You just told me to—oh, wait a second.  You got it in for old Judge Wylan, do ya?

Henry: Perhaps we can strike a deal is what I’m saying.

(Both men eye one another up)

Jim: Alright, alright, I’m, with that, I can roll with that.

Henry: Good.  Meet me out back!

Scripts

Joseph Arnone

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