You think this is a game, movie star?

In serio-comedy scene This Side of the Mississippi, two crooks show up at a diner, where Quinn works as a busboy and wishes to join them.

Featured Scene – This Side of the Mississippi

SCHELP: Hey, you hear that sweetie pie? Quinn here’s a movie star.

QUE: I always wanted to be famous.

QUINN: I ain’t famous, I just work here.

SCHELP: Oh, you famous alright. What’s burger boy’s name?

QUINN: Pete.

SCHELP: Hey Pete, gonna take those burgers to go! Chop-Chop!

EDIE: Where ya’ll comin’ from?

QUE: Oh, we from America.

EDIE: But where specifically?

QUE: Everywhere, really. Ain’t we, babe?

SCHELP: We sure like to travel.

EDIE: Whereabouts you from originally?

SCHELP: Honey, care to enlighten?

QUE: I’m a quadripoint baby. I was born in four states at once, Utah, Colorado, Arizona and New Mexico. I should be in the Guinness Book of World Records. I was born dead smack center of the Four Corners Monument. Coordinates 36° 59′ 56.32″ N, 109° 2′ 42.62″ W to be exact. 

SCHELP: Those are the facts. 

EDIE: I ain’t never heard a nothin’ like that before.

SCHELP: And you never will again. That’s why my baby pie’s special.

QUE: Awww, Schelp.

EDIE: What were ya’ll doin’ drivin’ in such weather conditions as this?

SCHELP: We robbed a bank.

EDIE: A bank?

SCHELP: We are full time criminals.

QUINN: For real?

SCHELP: Yep. Best time to do any sort of robbin’ is when the weather conditions are just right. This sandstorm we been having is a masterpiece. We been riding out the storm like a boy on a boogie board.

QUE: You talk too much Schelp.

SCHELP: How’s that? These fine people won’t say nothin’ about our endeavors. Even if they did what goods it gonna do any of ’em anyhow. The weather protects us.  (beat)  How’s my baby girl holding up?

QUE: Good as new.

Schelp looks over Que’s face wound.

QUINN: Hey, can you, uh, can you two be a gang of three?

SCHELP: Gang?

QUINN: Can you take me with?

SCHELP: Oh. Oh now, first thing, we ain’t no gang. We more a dynamic duo, think Batman and Robin or Bonnie and Clyde. We more like official tag team wrestlers.

QUINN: I can be useful.

SCHELP: Useful? We got no use for useful.

QUINN: I can be the look out.

(pause.)

SCHELP: You think this all a game, movie star? …This ain’t no game.

QUINN: I need a change in my life. Been bussing tables for seven years. I’m treated like a peasant. I get no appreciation and everyone thinks I’m dumb but I ain’t dumb, cause I know things. I’m smart! Smart enough to know that you and your lady didn’t come here by chance or maybe it is chance, MY chance and I aim to take my chance. I wanna leave with you two and start a new life. I don’t want to wipe down tables no more. I don’t wanna look at Edie’s bitter face no more. I need a break! I need somebody to give me a chance. Please! Just take my sorry a@@ with you!

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Scene Summary

In this one-act play script This Side of the Mississippi, Quinn’s entire life gets changed from the encounter of two wild lover criminals, Schelp and Que.

• Genre: Dark humor / Drama / Serio-Comedy
• Length: ~5-7 minute scene
• Characters: 2 women, 3 men
• Themes: food, robbery, friendship, love
• Best For: serio-comedy scenes for actors

FAQ

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Scene Source: This Side of the Mississippi

This Side of the Mississippi is a serio-comedy play by Joseph Arnone, 2025.