Common Practice
Here is a short comedy called Common Practice. MARLA instructs JANE on how to keep her man within her control so that they may have a long lasting marriage.
Common Practice
Jane: I admire you. Â I do, I really do. Â How you and your husband have been together for so long. Â I can only hope the same can be for me.
Marla:Â It’s an art form.
Jane: How so?
Marla: You don’t know the half of it child. Â I have my husband wrapped around my thumb. Â (beat) Don’t look so shocked. Â It’s natural.
Jane: I’m not so sure I understand.
Marla: Do you really want to know?
Jane: Sure.
Marla: Do you really want to know why Paul is the way he is?
June: Okay.
Marla: He’s been trained. Â Paul was never the way he is now when IÂ first met him. Â When I first met him he was full of fire and chic, always had a buzz about him but overtime I calmed him down and positioned him to my specifications. Â (beat) Â Can I tell you a secret?
Jane:Â Please.
Marla: It’s a sadistic secret.  (beat) I kind of like giving him a hard time.
Jane: How so?
Marla: There’s something about it, the way he gets when I push his buttons…I get into it.
Jane: Into it?
Marla: Yeah, it kind of gives me a ride, a thrill to see him get all hot under the collar.
Jane: You’re cruel!
Marla: I know I am. Â Never said I wasn’t but the truth is the truth. Â Point of fact is that I just love getting him mad. Â I can’t help myself. Â A girl’s got to entertain herself or else the marriage falls apart. Â How do you possibly think I’ve actually put up with Paul for so long?
Jane: Is that the trick, to find private ways of entertaining yourself?
Marla: It works for me. Â Cruelty is a guilty pleasure. Now, I’m not talking nothing more than seeing him get…well, I kind of love it when he takes a certain tone with me.
Jane: Yeah?
Marla: He gets this tone in his voice when I’ve reached his line…like ah, “Alright now Marla, that’s enough.” Â Haha. Â It drives me wild.
Jane: You’re too funny.
Marla: There are times when I must say I play his fiddle like a Goddamn master conductor. I get him to hit all my notes. Â It’s a gift. Â Even I don’t know how I do it.
Jane: How do you do it? Â Tell me.
Marla: It’s a mood. Â I have to be in the right mood. Â And the timing, the timing has to be right. Â So, if I’m in the mood to be a little devil, which is my usual state of self and I see he’s having a better than usual day, I strike. Â I sink my dirty tiny claws into his large back and I chew down. Â I don’t stop nibbling until I hear him say ouch!
Jane: I admire you. Â I wish I could do that with Tom. Â Tom is so aware. Â He’s so aware of my moods.
Marla: You’ve got to work around it. Â I’m telling you. Â If you don’t start playing notes now, I give you two five more years at best.
Jane: Really? Oh no, don’t say that!
Marla: It’s true dear.
Jane: There are other things that make us happy, I mean, we’re not unhappy.
Marla: Ha! Â Give it time. Â True misery takes time to seep in and drown you.
Jane: What do I do?
Marla: Sweetie pie, you need to interject.
Jane: Interject?
Marla: Absolutely. Â When he comes home from work and he goes on about his long day, interject.
Jane: Just cut him off?
Marla: Mid sentence. Â Don’t give him no fuss about it, just do it as if it’s normal.
Jane: Really?
Marla: Â Oh yeah. Â I’ll show you. Â Say something, anything.
Jane: Okay. Â Ummm, well, I’m really listening to you because I want—
Marla: Hahaha and that is good darling. Â Want some potatoes? Â You see? Â Just like that.
Jane: Â Wow. Â Can I try?
Marla: Yes. Â Ready?
(Jane nods)
So the other day I bumped into Florence and she was telling me all the details of this—
Jane: Do you want to go to the theatre this Friday?
Marla: That was good.
Jane: Yeah?!
Marla: That was pretty damn good. Â Start on him immediately. Â Now, once you got this whole interjecting thing down, it will become common. Â At first, he’ll get annoyed, he may even be ready to argue, but you must be coy and pleasant and polite and smart. Â In a word, INNOCENT. Â You wear him down and eventually, eventually it will become common practice. Â That’s when you will finally have your hold over him.
Jane: Marla? Â I really had no idea this sort of thing in marriage even existed?
Marla: Do you want to keep your man or not?
Jane: I do. Â Believe me I do.
Marla: Then believe what I’m telling you. Â I’ve seen too many breakups with no makeups and families destroyed all because the woman wasn’t wise enough to manage her husband effectively.
Jane: I’m amazed. Â I must say this to you Marla, I don’t know what I would do without you. Â You are truly like a big sister to me. Â I’m so thankful we’ve moved into this development and have you as my neighbor. Â Talk about luck.
Marla: Now, now, there, it’s fate and the good news is that if you learn to play the fiddle now, you will have a marriage that will withstand time. Â That’s how you win. Â Get this first bit down and then I will help you mold him further and believe me, you will be all set.
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