I’ll put the money up myself if I have to.

Drama scene from “The Packaged Deal” where two well established actors can’t seem to raise the money for a feature film.

SALVATORE: We should have done more together sooner Freddy.

FRED: I know.

SALVATORE: What were we thinking all those years?

FRED: Who knows?

SALVATORE: It crossed my mind.

FRED: Waiting for the right story to come along.

SALVATORE: We could have done more, no?

FRED: We could always do more.

SALVATORE: That’s what I’m saying.

FRED’S phone rings.

FRED: It’s Leo calling.

SALVATORE: Speak of the devil.

FRED: (answering phone) Hello? Leo? What’s up? (listens) Yeah, this weekend, no good. (listens) Right. (listens) I see. Right. Well, it’s a good thing I didn’t fly out then.

SALVATORE (whispers): Put him on speaker.


LEO: And had I known sooner, I would have said something sooner, it’s jus’ the way these things go sometimes.

FRED: But what about Jane and Mark?

LEO: They’re still in.

FRED: This thing is a deadlock now.

LEO: I’ve made some calls I’m waiting to hear back on. I should know by the end of the day.

FRED: Sounds like we have to continue shopping.

LEO: I would.

SALVATORE: You would?



LEO: Oh, hi Sal, I didn’t know you were there.

SALVATORE: I’m here, listening to all your bullsh’t.

FRED (whispers): Don’t do it Sal.

SALVATORE: You fuck’ng sh’t. You make us wait like pigs in sh’t for years and you spring this on us now that you’re pulling out? Do you mean to tell me that you had no clue all this time you calculating f’ck?

LEO: Sal, please, you don’t understand —

SALVATORE: I don’t understand?! YOU! YOU don’t understand. You juggle us around like we’re a couple of yoyo toys. How could you have not seen that you weren’t going to be in for the deal YEARS ago? And what the f’ck is the hold up? I understand these things take time but what more do you want, every single Hollywood big shot is signed to this project? What kind of f’cking time do you need? You’re a real pr’ck, you know that? Always jerking me around.

LEO: I’m not jerking anybody around.

SALVATORE: Come on! You jerk me around Leo! At least on four other films in the last twenty years alone. Always needling me, always riding me! – F’ck you!

LEO: Fred, what’s wrong with Sal?

FRED: He’s upset. You know, this is an important story and we’ve done our part and now you’re leaving us holding the bag.

LEO: I’m not leaving until I find my replacement.

SALVATORE: Lying mutt!

FRED (whispering): Don’t, don’t.

LEO: What more do you guys want me to say? I didn’t plan on this.

SALVATORE: No, not you Leo, of course not.

LEO: I’ll get a replacement.

SALVATORE: And find somebody worse than you?

LEO: Freddy, I’m gonna go, we’ll catch up another time, I’ll do what I can on my end to help you sell this package. I’m sorry.

LEO hangs up.

SALVATORE: You see? His ears must have been ringing.

FRED: F’ck ’em.

SALVATORE: If I had that squirt in front of me Freddy.

FRED: Relax, he ain’t worth it.

SALVATORE: Now we have to get this movie made, no way we’re gonna let him win this.

FRED: We’re gonna get it made.

SALVATORE: I’ll put the money up myself if I have to.

FRED: No, no. Don’t worry, we’ll get it.

SALVATORE: Alright…(sighs) I need to calm down. Was I harsh?

FRED: A little harsh, but —

SALVATORE: I wish I was as calm as you.

FRED: I’m not calm.

SALVATORE: You hide it well.

FRED: I’m not going to give that guy the satisfaction.

SALVATORE: Yeah, well, I feel pretty satisfied myself.

THEY laugh.

  • To read the full one-act ePlay, find purchase link below:

The Packaged Deal by Joseph ArnoneIn the one-act eplay The Packaged Deal Salvatore and Fred discuss over lunch and coffee their financial prospects for getting a movie they wish to make made.  3 Men.  Comedy.

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Joseph Arnone