Last Wednesday

In Last Wednesday, LINDA and MARVIN are at their computers in the office having another glorious day of work.  1 woman, 1 man.  Comedy.

Last Wednesday

Linda: I’m exhausted.
Marvin: Go take a nap.
Linda: Nah. I have too much to do.
Marvin: Let it be then.
Linda: I’m running on empty.
Marvin: Go have some coffee.
Linda: Nah. I’m not in the mood for coffee.
Marvin: Let it be then.
Linda: I can’t keep my eyes open.
Marvin: Go and put water on your face.
Linda: Nah. I can’t be bothered to walk to the bathroom.
Marvin: Let it be then.

(beat)

Did I tell you what happened to me last Wednesday?
Linda: Yeah.
Marvin: Oh. (beat) You sure?
Linda: Yeah. When you fell down the stairs.
Marvin: When did I fall down the stairs?
Linda: Last Wednesday.
Marvin: No. I didn’t.
Linda: Yes. You did.
Marvin: No…I never fell down the stairs.

Linda stares at Marvin a long time.

Linda: Oh.
Marvin: What?
Linda: That was Bill.
Marvin: That makes sense.

(beat)

So, I didn’t tell you about last Wednesday?
Linda: Tell me.
Marvin: I…hold…I…

Marvin quickly puts a tissue to his nose.

Linda: Bleeding again?
Marvin: Yeah…damn.
Linda: I’d like to punch you in the face.
Marvin: Excuse me?
Linda: It’s why your nose is bleeding. I thought about how I would like to take a swing at your nose to stop you from talking. It’s my fault. Sorry.
Marvin: I didn’t mean to bother you.
Linda: I wish it was you who fell down the stairs.  Last Wednesday.
Marvin: What?
Linda: You. Not Bill.

Marvin stares at Linda for a long time.

Marvin: It doesn’t work.
Linda: What?
Marvin: I thought of something to happen to you and it didn’t work.
Linda: What did you think to happen?
Marvin: That you’d flash me.
Linda: Oh.
Marvin: A man can dream.

(beat)

Linda: Did you see it?
Marvin: What?…No.
Linda: You missed it.
Marvin: Damn.

(beat)

Linda: If you were to kill someone. How would you go about killing that someone?
Marvin: Depends on the person and what they did.
Linda: Let’s say I wanted to kill you. How should I do it?
Marvin: The best way to kill me?
Linda: Yes.
Marvin: Run me down with a car.
Linda: You think?
Marvin: Sure, why not?
Linda: Duly noted.

(beat)

Marvin: SCREW THIS DAY!!!
Linda: Right.
Marvin: SCREW THIS FCKN DAY ALL DAY!!!
Linda: Right.

(beat)

You know, there’s not one man in this entire company that I would screw.
Marvin: Is it because I smell?
Linda: It’s because your face smells.
Marvin: Right. So, I smell okay to you?
Linda: Your face and your scent match actually.
Marvin: Bravo.

(beat)

Linda: Look, I’m going to go up to the roof and throw myself off.
Marvin: Take care.
Linda: Thanks.

Linda leaves.

Joseph Arnone

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