Last Wednesday

In Last Wednesday, LINDA and MARVIN are at their computers in the office having another glorious day of work.  1 woman, 1 man.  Comedy.

Last Wednesday

Linda: I’m exhausted.

Marvin: Go take a nap.

Linda: Nah. I have too much to do.

Marvin: Let it be then.

Linda: I’m running on empty.

Marvin: Go have some coffee.

Linda: Nah. I’m not in the mood for coffee.

Marvin: Let it be then.

Linda: I can’t keep my eyes open.

Marvin: Go and put water on your face.

Linda: Nah. I can’t be bothered to walk to the bathroom.

Marvin: Let it be then.

(beat)

Did I tell you what happened to me last Wednesday?

Linda: Yeah.

Marvin: Oh. (beat) You sure?

Linda: Yeah. When you fell down the stairs.

Marvin: When did I fall down the stairs?

Linda: Last Wednesday.

Marvin: No. I didn’t.

Linda: Yes. You did.

Marvin: No…I never fell down the stairs.

Linda stares at Marvin a long time.

Linda: Oh.

Marvin: What?

Linda: That was Bill.

Marvin: That makes sense.

(beat)

So, I didn’t tell you about last Wednesday?

Linda: Tell me.

Marvin: I…hold…I…

Marvin quickly puts a tissue to his nose.

Linda: Bleeding again?

Marvin: Yeah…damn.

Linda: I’d like to punch you in the face.

Marvin: Excuse me?

Linda: It’s why your nose is bleeding. I thought about how I would like to take a swing at your nose to stop you from talking. It’s my fault. Sorry.

Marvin: I didn’t mean to bother you.

Linda: I wish it was you who fell down the stairs.  Last Wednesday.

Marvin: What?

Linda: You. Not Bill.

Marvin stares at Linda for a long time.

Marvin: It doesn’t work.

Linda: What?

Marvin: I thought of something to happen to you and it didn’t work.

Linda: What did you think to happen?

Marvin: That you’d flash me.

Linda: Oh.

Marvin: A man can dream.

(beat)

Linda: Did you see it?

Marvin: What?…No.

Linda: You missed it.

Marvin: Damn.

(beat)

Linda: If you were to kill someone. How would you go about killing that someone?

Marvin: Depends on the person and what they did.

Linda: Let’s say I wanted to kill you. How should I do it?

Marvin: The best way to kill me?

Linda: Yes.

Marvin: Run me down with a car.

Linda: You think?

Marvin: Sure, why not?

Linda: Duly noted.

(beat)

Marvin: SCREW THIS DAY!!!

Linda: Right.

Marvin: SCREW THIS FCKN DAY ALL DAY!!!

Linda: Right.

(beat)

You know, there’s not one man in this entire company that I would screw.

Marvin: Is it because I smell?

Linda: It’s because your face smells.

Marvin: Right. So, I smell okay to you?

Linda: Your face and your scent match actually.

Marvin: Bravo.

(beat)

Linda: Look, I’m going to go up to the roof and throw myself off.

Marvin: Take care.

Linda: Thanks.

Linda leaves.

Scripts

Joseph Arnone

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