Tru The Pike and On The Mud

Beyond deep in the woods.  Early afternoon.  Chester is being led by Bub in order to find a special location he has been searching for.  Comedy.  2 Men.

Tru The Pike and On The Mud

Chester listens.

Bub: When we get to the mud, there’s gonna be a boat. You take the boat across the lake and there will be a man wearing a white hat and white coat. (hands Chester an acorn) Give him this acorn and he will know what to do with ya.
Chester: And then what happens?
Bub: I don’t know.
Chester: How can you not know?
Bub: I’ve never gone that far.
Chester: Then how do you know there’s a man wearing a white hat and white coat?
Bub: My mother.
Chester: Your mother…what?
Bub: She told me.
Chester: Has your mother seen this man?
Bub: Not sure.
Chester: Can we ask her?
Bub: No.
Chester: Why not?
Bub: Dead.
Chester: Sorry.
Bub: Thanks.
Chester: How do you know for certain that this man exists?
Bub: Are you calling my mother a liar?
Chester: How do we know this isn’t some child’s fairytale?
Bub: I don’t know what that is.
Chester: A story. A made up story. How do we know that your mother didn’t make up a story while you were a child to entertain your imagination?
Bub: No.
Chester: Look, look, look…I have been wandering around the woods for three days! I am starving to death. I’m tired!  I don’t even know if you are a hallucination at this point. You give me an acorn and you’re talking about a man in a white coat?! What man, where? Who is going to be wearing a white coat on the opposite side of a lake? Why is he waiting there? What is he doing?  He’s just been sitting there for fifty years right?  Right?  Just sitting there whistling, sitting on a rock with a bad case of hemorrhoids!
Bub: All I know is that my mother told me that there was a man that helps people find direction when they’re lost.
Chester: I think I’ve finally lost my mind. Screw it. I’ll accept it.
Bub: Go to the lake.
Chester: YOU go to the lake.  I want lunch.
Bub: Aye.
Chester:  Isn’t there a local diner around here?  Something hidden you wooded weirdos go to, where there’s some friendly middle-aged woman who smiles warmly, pours me a never ending stream of dark black coffee—
Bub: No.
Chester: I’m starving.
Bub: We’re all starving for something.
Chester: Isn’t there anything to eat by you?
Bub: Bark.
Chester: What?
Bub: Bark soup…from the trees.  A jar of ants, some dried up bird droppings but when heated makes for nice dip—
Chester: Ever hear of bacon and eggs or a grilled cheese perhaps?
Bub: Grilled cheese?
Chester: I’m gonna go back the way we came and die somewhere near the rocks.
Bub: No, no. You come with me tru the pike and on the mud.
Chester: I don’t think there’s a person alive who would understand what you just said.
Bub: Resistance.
Chester: What?
Bub: Resistance.

Chester takes off running. Bub throws a wooden club at Chester, catching him in the legs, causing him to fall forward.

Bub walks over calmly. He picks up his club and helps Chester back to his feet.

There, there.
Chester: I want you to take that club and bash me across my head until my brains spill out. Got that? Can you do that for me?
Bub: Negative.
Chester: Give me the club and I’ll do it!
Bub: Shhh. Quiet. It’s passing through.

Bub crouches down to the ground. Chester joins him.

(whispering) Shhh. Not another word.

Chester notices a white smoke passing through the trees.

Chester: What is that?
Bub: That’s just the resistance.
Chester: What does it do?
Bub: Shhh, almost gone. (beat) There. Good. Better.

Bub stands up.

Chester: Go up to the lake…
Bub: Go up there and find out.
Chester: You’re coming with me, right?
Bub: To the mud, yes. But then, it’s only you.
Chester: Right.

Bub walks. Chester follows.

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Joseph Arnone

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